What happened next

He brought us into his office, sat us down, and gave it to us straight. Before that moment, I was naive; I didn't think I was naive, but I was. He gave us a plan. Really a plan??? I kinda just thought I would get my period, chart a cycle, and then, ya know, and it would happen. Ok, so I wasn't that naive, I knew there was a chance we would need help, but I figured we would at least get 6 months on our own. No such luck! He gave us a plan to start injectable gonadotropins, followed by an hcg injection, and then 2 IUIs. Before that, I would have a HSG and dh would have a semen analysis. We checked our insurance to learn that we had coverage for testing but not for treatment. I left the office in a state of shock. My life would never be the same.

We had our testing, I ordered my meds and set up an injection lesson. I was scared but excited. I was naive. I had my baseline ultrasound and got the all clear. Dr. S dosed me for the first time. I went shopping that day with my sister and the kids. I bought myself a new eyeshadow set from Sephora, I guess as some sort of memento or something, then 6 'o clock came, and I walked into the Nordstrom lounge, gritted my teeth and did it. My life would never be the same.

Morning after morning, day after day, I would go in for early labs, to check estrogen levels, afternoon vaginal ultrasounds for follicle checks. 13 days of injections and things looked good, we had our IUI, and now for the wait. Did I mention it was Christmas time. I just knew I was pregnant. It had to work. I was naive. A few days after Christmas, I got a phone call. It should have been happy, and it was, but it was hard. It was my sister-in-law. She chit chatted, talked about God's plans for our lives, bounced around the reason for the call. I got this lump in my throat, this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew what was coming. I felt so bad for Tracey for even having to tell me, but she was gentle, so kind. She told me she was expecting. This would be her third; they thought they were finished; this was very much a surprise. She apologized, I told her it was fine and I was happy for them, and I was. But oh how it stung. I have never shared those feelings before, because it is hard, and I don't want any hurt feelings, but that's what this blog is about. MY feelings. We went home for Christmas, we looked at the calendar together, discussed dates, and how close our children would be, if indeed I was pregnant. I knew I was after all. Things were just great that cycle. I was already feeling ill. Bloated belly, nausea, all good signs. Christmas came and went. I POAS daily continued to see one line. On New Year's Eve, it was official. I wasn't pregnant. Happy freaking New Year! My life would never be the same.

I went in for my cd3 u/s to learn I had a lovely residual cyst. My doc said there was no way I could do injectables that month. If you know me, you know that patience is not one of my greatest qualities. He wanted me to go on bcps, but I asked if we could possible try clomid that month, so it wouldn't go to waste. He said if the cyst got small enough, he'd be fine with that. The cyst shrank, and I began clomid. I didn't really respond so well to it. I eventually got one mature follicle and ovulated. The dr didn't think it was worth doing an IUI, so we tried naturally that month. Not to anyone's surprise it failed. I went back on injectables for the next cycle. The cycle was slow, response was crap, so Dr. S decided to push me a little more. Things started to look up. Then, I was slapped in the face by the witch that is infertility. My ovaries decided to start doing what they were supposed to do, and follies grew like weeds. Since we were openly opposed to reduction, the cycle was canceled. It hurt so bad. Every injection, every lab draw, every ultrasound, every penny, all for not. That was the first time the doc mentioned IVF. He told me he felt it was time. He worried with my being so "tricky to medicate" and history with quickly growing endo, it might take to long to go the IUI route. That was the first time I cried in his office. I told him it wasn't supposed to be this way. I told him we had no coverage and no way could we afford IVF. He told me he would work with us and would put us on a study wait list. He agreed that until then, we could try one more cycle. He hugged me before leaving the room, told me he hated to see his patients to leave without a baby, and expressed how he truly desired it for each and everyone of them. He was so human in that moment. It was a great moment in a horrible day. I left confused, overwhelmed, and unsure of the future. My life would never be the same.

My body was eventually ready to cycle again. This was it. One last try at least for a while. I was so scared and had no expectations of it working. I began to throw myself into the IF world and learn all I could about IVF. I found IVF connections and met wonderful women in my area who had gone through infertility hell that no one should ever have to suffer. The cycle was crap. It was slow, my e2 wouldn't rise, lining wouldn't thicken, follies wouldn't grow. I stimmed for 15 days. I remember them having to get a second sheet for my dosage because they only went to day 14. I finally was ready for trigger and IUI. Things looked good; he gave me high chances. Then came IUI number one. Sperm was crap, basically bad enough not to even use, but he reminded us it only takes one and hoped for a better sample the next day. IUI 2 was better. As I lay on the table, I prayed for a baby. I wanted it so bad, I needed it. The wait was on. About 10 days in I started having symptoms of OHSS. It was bad, painful, but a good sign. OHSS is more likely in conception cycles. 11 days after my IUI I saw what every IFer hopes to see, 2 lines. It was faint, I rushed for a digital. I was pregnant. I could write for days about my pregnancy, but I won't. After a trying pregnancy, our beautiful baby boy, Cooper Jack, was born on December 21. My live WILL never be the same.

I have to take the time to make an important point now. My suffers with IF were nothing compared to many out there. I know so many in blog world that struggle beyond belief. Take my IF friend Larisa for example. She has endured more than anyone should in her journey for a baby. I never want to make my situation seem worse than another, because it's not. In the IF world, I was a lucky one. I know that. I am so thankful for that. But I still suffered. It still hurt. It still does. It was still hard. It still sucked! I had to walk the road, and it still changed me, even though I am a lucky one. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know I'll have Coop by my side, and for that I am thankful beyond belief.