"Are you guy's going to have any more?"
I can't tell you how much I hate this question. I don't know how to respond to it. Really, I don't, no matter how many times it is asked. I try to think of something witty to say, prepare myself for the inevitable, but it never comes out the way I planned, and it always catches me off guard. There are several reasons why I don't know what to say. Honestly, I don't know the answer. I mean, really, none of us do, but we generally think we do and have a plan. But, right now, I don't. I don't know if I want to do the whole IF crap again, and we only tested the waters before, never had to dive deep into them. There isn't an RE within 3 hours of here, and I won't do anything with a gyn. They don't monitor as closely and I got OHSS with Cooper, so I wouldn't want to take that chance. I don't know if we would be able to get pregnant on our own. My RE seemed to think it was unlikely. If we can't and we decide not to go the IF route, then we won't have anymore. Then there is the issue of carrying a baby. My body has been through a lot; my uterus is weak. I was put on bedrest and meds at 24 weeks with Cooper. What would that mean for next time. My uterosacrels have been cut, more than once. I carried Cooper so low, because they weren't strong enough I believe. I had an xray at 31 weeks and the 2 techs thought he would be born anytime because we was so low in the pelvis. This scares me. What if next time I can't carry to term, despite medical intervention. Having a baby in the NICU 3 hrs away while having a little one at home is an overwhelming thought. So, maybe there is a part of me that is fine with just one. Happy and satisfied and done. I think there is, but the other part of me is bigger. The part that wants for Cooper to have siblings. I am so close to my own, I can't help but want that for my own child. Then there's that part of me that is in pain. The part that says, just get rid of it, be done with this all, have the hysterectomy. It is going to happen sooner than later. I have been told it would be done before 30. Somedays that terrifies me, then days like today, when I'm hurting, it can't seem to come soon enough. It is so final though; that is the scary thing. Today, I was holding my abdomen; I didn't even realize it, but I was; I was hurting. Someone asked me "Molly, are you having more babies?" At first, I thought oh great, this dress makes me look fat. I responded, "Oh no" and she replied, " I thought, oh poor think, she must have babies kicking in there." This took my breath away, knocked the wind right out of me. Babies? Poor thing? I would love to have babies kicking me, it would not be poor thing. It was one of those moments that pulled out the one in me that wants more. For a moment, I wished I could've replied happily, "yes I am." But, I'm happy today with one, not ready for another yet. But, I still think about the future, the what ifs. Don't we all? My best friend is pregnant right now. I couldn't be happier for her. Her road was not the short, fast one either. I took her maternity photos on Saturday. She is glowing, so happy. Her nursery is perfect, and ready for baby girl. Her belly is big and beautiful. That made me want more. I want to take maternity photos, I didn't do it the first time. I want to have a perfect new room. I'd love a little girl, for Cooper to have a little sister. (I'd love a little boy just as much) It is those moments that make me hang in there, fight through the pain, because I don't know where will go in the future. I just don't think I'm ready tho take the option off the table.
So, I smile, I giggle, I say "only God knows." But inside it tears at me a little. It starts a battle between my two sides. See why I hate that question?
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That's a really common struggle. My aunt had really bad endo and ended up begging her gyn for a hysterectomy. She had it done before having any children, which was why she had to beg. It is a very permanent decision, but if you are sure it will be a great relief. Definitely don't jump in too soon though, that may lead to regrets. Keep in mind that the hysterectomy is always available and you will find relief.
ReplyDeleteThere's no single answer for this right now. I wouldn't even know the answer for me if we didn't have embryos left over, and I'm not facing the pelvic pain you are.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I'll say is that you don't sound sure of either, so I don't think you're ready to make the decision. I believe you'll know. You'll know it's right to try, either with assistance or without, or you'll know that Cooper is it and you'll do whatever comes after that.
Jill, my aunt had a hyst without having children too. She now says she should have done it sooner. That is where I struggling. I don't want to waste years of my life in pain, if we end up having no more anyway. It's tough for sure.
ReplyDeleteLarisa,
You are so right. The battle inside is on going. And I think I'll know when I'm ready, and I don't know yet. After the drama in your parts, I questioned posting this. But, I have few readers and I had been writing this post in my head all day. I am one of those "20 somethings," but I don't have years ahead of me. We are all entitled to our feelings. I hope things turn around for you soon.
I'm praying for you about this...I know it must be so hard to think of the options and to have all those unknowns out there. (((hugs))) to you, Joshua 1:9 comes to mind: "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". He's got good plans for you, I know you lean on that already but sometimes it helps me to just repeat that verse until the tangle of thoughts and concerns fades a little.
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