ready

I'm ready to start writing now, putting these crazy feelings into words. Reminder: I have just started a new bcp, the hormones are high, so bare with me. It is likely this is contributing to all these crazy feelings.

So, I have had several dreams about having another child recently, two of which really stick out in my mind. The first, we had been given a baby, adopted. It was so simple; we decided to go for it, then within days, we had a new baby. It was a wonderful dream, so real. As I was waking up, I hoped it might be real, and I would find a baby lying next to me. Of course, there was not; it was only a dream. Then only a few days later, another baby dream. This time we went the fertility route. We were with our old RE, the one we used to get pregnant with Cooper. It was the day of the IUI, and he said, "wouldn't be great if you got pregnant the first time around?" Well, yeah! I woke up happy, thinking of a new baby. These dreams have left me pondering the thought of another baby. There is no doubt now that it is what I want, just not sure how we will go about getting it.

And there is the question of when. Honestly, I don't know when. There are times, when my heart aches for another baby now, then times where I can't imagine being pregnant or having a new born yet. Cooper is still so young, yet growing up fast. I am frustrated that I can't feel content one way or the other, but that is human nature I suppose.

Then there is the jealousy issue. Lots of IFers talk about this. It is something I hate, something I never wanted to feel, something that I don't even understand, but I am feeling it lately. I don't know why. It seems kind of stupid to feel this way. It's not like we are currently TTC, so why do I feel this way? It isn't so much that I am jealous of others, or that they are pregnant, or have a newborn, but more that they can if they so choose. Does that make any sense? It's just not that simple for us. Are we financially ready for another child? Not really. Can we afford to travel to an RE and pay for fertility testing, drugs, and treatment all in the hopes of another right now? No way. Are we in a place where we can peruse adoption? I don't think so. I guess that is where the jealousy stems. On Monday, we went to some dear friend's daughter's 1st birthday. At the end of the party, she opened her present from her mommy and daddy. It was an adorable little onsie that read, "big sister." I am overjoyed for them. They are great parents, and deserve another child. But there was this little piece of me, deep in my soul, screaming, "is it my turn yet? I want that." There was also 2 others there that had 2. One father I went to school with, had his 3 week old in a carrier and a 22 month old running around. The others have a 2 year old and a 10 month old. It just felt like I was the odd ball. Don't get me wrong. I am happy for all of them; it just makes me want the same.

So here is the really crazy thing. I see these couples with there little families, how busy they are, and think "I can't imagine..." Why oh why then, do I feel even a tinsy bit of jealousy? I think it is because I am a multi faceted woman, who isn't sure what I really want. A battle of the sides. I know that I want another child, just not sure how or when. But dont' think for a second that if by some miracle I were to get a "surprise" that I wouldn't be floored, and make the most of it, because I absolutely would.

Maybe these are normal feelings. Maybe it's the hormones talking. Or maybe I'm just plain nuts. No matter, they are my feelings; they matter to me. Please pray that I wouldn't feel even an inkling of jealousy, but only joy. And that my sides would stop arguing and make up their minds!