ready

I'm ready to start writing now, putting these crazy feelings into words. Reminder: I have just started a new bcp, the hormones are high, so bare with me. It is likely this is contributing to all these crazy feelings.

So, I have had several dreams about having another child recently, two of which really stick out in my mind. The first, we had been given a baby, adopted. It was so simple; we decided to go for it, then within days, we had a new baby. It was a wonderful dream, so real. As I was waking up, I hoped it might be real, and I would find a baby lying next to me. Of course, there was not; it was only a dream. Then only a few days later, another baby dream. This time we went the fertility route. We were with our old RE, the one we used to get pregnant with Cooper. It was the day of the IUI, and he said, "wouldn't be great if you got pregnant the first time around?" Well, yeah! I woke up happy, thinking of a new baby. These dreams have left me pondering the thought of another baby. There is no doubt now that it is what I want, just not sure how we will go about getting it.

And there is the question of when. Honestly, I don't know when. There are times, when my heart aches for another baby now, then times where I can't imagine being pregnant or having a new born yet. Cooper is still so young, yet growing up fast. I am frustrated that I can't feel content one way or the other, but that is human nature I suppose.

Then there is the jealousy issue. Lots of IFers talk about this. It is something I hate, something I never wanted to feel, something that I don't even understand, but I am feeling it lately. I don't know why. It seems kind of stupid to feel this way. It's not like we are currently TTC, so why do I feel this way? It isn't so much that I am jealous of others, or that they are pregnant, or have a newborn, but more that they can if they so choose. Does that make any sense? It's just not that simple for us. Are we financially ready for another child? Not really. Can we afford to travel to an RE and pay for fertility testing, drugs, and treatment all in the hopes of another right now? No way. Are we in a place where we can peruse adoption? I don't think so. I guess that is where the jealousy stems. On Monday, we went to some dear friend's daughter's 1st birthday. At the end of the party, she opened her present from her mommy and daddy. It was an adorable little onsie that read, "big sister." I am overjoyed for them. They are great parents, and deserve another child. But there was this little piece of me, deep in my soul, screaming, "is it my turn yet? I want that." There was also 2 others there that had 2. One father I went to school with, had his 3 week old in a carrier and a 22 month old running around. The others have a 2 year old and a 10 month old. It just felt like I was the odd ball. Don't get me wrong. I am happy for all of them; it just makes me want the same.

So here is the really crazy thing. I see these couples with there little families, how busy they are, and think "I can't imagine..." Why oh why then, do I feel even a tinsy bit of jealousy? I think it is because I am a multi faceted woman, who isn't sure what I really want. A battle of the sides. I know that I want another child, just not sure how or when. But dont' think for a second that if by some miracle I were to get a "surprise" that I wouldn't be floored, and make the most of it, because I absolutely would.

Maybe these are normal feelings. Maybe it's the hormones talking. Or maybe I'm just plain nuts. No matter, they are my feelings; they matter to me. Please pray that I wouldn't feel even an inkling of jealousy, but only joy. And that my sides would stop arguing and make up their minds!

so much to say...

Just not sure how to put it into words. I have a lot on my mind. It seems to be that my sides are conflicting with each other. That is tough. I don't even have the energy to try and get it all down. I want something, but maybe I don't. Feeling some jealousy, even though I know I shouldn't. I am not even making sense to myself. Anyway, a post is coming, just not tonight. Cooper is hacking. I think it might be reflux from the OJ he sucked down on accident or perhaps he's getting sick. Either way, it's going to be a long night I have a feeling.

not much to report

Sorry for the lag in posting, I hadn't been feeling too well. Hoping that things are all straightened out now, after a 10 day period. I start my new pills on Sunday. I really hope it doesn't make me sick. I can't handle the morning-like sickness that bcp often gives me. I have started my new meds, but haven't seen a difference yet, oh except for side effects. One of them gives me horrible acid reflux and I mean horrible, so I will likely be starting a new med for that. The other which causes constipation. I knew this had been an issue, but didn't realise why until I saw a commercial for the med today. It mentioned constipation 3 times in the ad, guessing it must be a pretty common side effect. Oh the joys of meds.

hormones

Feeling bad. I'm a hormonal wreck... headaches, upset stomach, and bad cramps. Hopefully, I will be feeling better soon. And hopefully the new bcp will do the trick. This is my 3 cycle in 6 weeks. I can't handle this much more. Ready to get back to my no cycle life style.

Started the IC meds today. Hoping they kick in soon too.

2nd appt

Yesterday I had my second visit at the new dr's office. They are really great. Everyone is very kind. I annoyingly had to pay my deductible at the appointment, and I was not expecting that. They did what they call PMR (pelvic muscle retraining). This is a test to see how much in spasm and how tense my pelvic muscles are. Ok, again this is TMI and I can't believe I'm sharing this, but WTHeck! So they measure this by placing 2 probes, neither of which are in the bladder, I'll let you figure it out. SO SO not fun. And the fact that I had to pay for that! EEEEK!!! I still am not over it:) But, this was a good test to have done. It gave important information. The average woman has a muscle pressure (I guess that is what you call it?) of 5 when relaxing. When I was relaxing I ranged from 12-13, in other words very tense. It makes sense. I don't even have a clue I am doing this. I have just gotten in a terrible habit of it, from years of pelvic pain and holding my urine. Honestly, I was shocked when she told me the number. I was trying to think of beaches ect, really relaxing, or so I thought. Basically, some people hold their tension in their necks, I hold mine in my crotch! What can I say:) Anyway, they do a variety of "exercises" if you will. After that, I got my pressure down to a 9. Still high, but an improvement. After that, I had my second bladder instillation. It hurt. I hope I can get used to that soon.

Then the dr came in with a bag full of estrogen. The plan was that I would take it for 4 months along with my regular bcps. Then we got to talking. He pretty much thinks that my body is terribly used to the pill and that my liver now metabolizes it faster, thus the breakthrough bleeding, all the time. We decided that it might be time that I try a new pill, a much stronger pill, with the higher dose of estrogen built in. I'm sure it will make me terribly sick! I am going to go ahead and let myself even out and have a full cycle, then not this Sunday, but the next, start the new pills. So keep me in you thoughts and prayers over the next couple of weeks as it may be rough. We also discussed, that after being on IC meds for a couple of months, perhaps I see what having a cycle each month is like. So, that is a possibility.

I went to the pharmacy today. Meds are outrageously expensive, so I will be having to mail order them. But, I went ahead and got 2 weeks worth so I can start. I will be starting the IC meds tomorrow. I also will call my local gyn and see what he says for a plan for the instillation. Hoping to be seeing some major changes soon!

The appointment

Today was the day. I was, of course, very nervous. Woke up with my usual anxious nausea. We had lunch at Boston's (delicious g free pizza) before the appointment, which was just what I needed. I walked in the office to read a sign that nicely said, "no children aloud." I of course had my little man (and hubby) with me. We came from 3 hours away, so it's not like I could just leave him with a friend. I asked about it, they said we could leave him with an operator (yeah right). The receptionist asked and said that they could come in after the exam.

This office caters to Spanish speaking patients as my dr was the only Spanish speaking ob in the area when he stared. He has since devoted time to providing quality care and understanding for Spanish speaking women. While I think this is wonderful, it did make it a little difficult. It is clear that Spanish is the first language for many of the office staff. The PA who I worked with a lot had a very strong accent which sometimes made it difficult to communicate. The doctor himself was very easy to understand as he has been in Texas all his life and did not have an accient. This was very much a relief.

He said I was textbook IC. He talked about the relationship between IC and endo and even gave me an article the referred to the 2 as the evil twins. He did an exam which was uber painful. He said the exam was abnormal in my inability to tolerate certain things, and typical of IC. He was very kind and knowledgeable, the most knowledgeable on IC of anyone I've ever seen. He explained how he believes it is a form of an allergy and hopes that I can pinpoint my trigger food.

The only thing he said that I didn't agree with was about infertility. He was discussing lupron and suggested that perhaps it isn't the miracle drug so many drs believe it to be (with this I agree). He then said "does endo cause infertility? points to Cooper I think not." With that I don't agree. I said, "well it certainly took some help." He replied that I told him I was anovulatory, which I was due to lupron, but without it would I have gotten pregnant. Who knows? I believe that endo most certainly can cause infertilty. It did for me. Because of endo I was on lupron, because of lupron I was anovulatory. I connect the 2, he does not. Whatever. This really isn't an issue at all. We will just agree to disagree. I still believe some of my cpp is endo, but agree that the IC is a huge contributing factor as well.

I came in with pain around a 6 on the pain scale. I was nervous, knowing I was going to have a pelvic exam, which set me into spasm, causing pain. Some people get a belly ache, I get cramps...go figure. The pain turned out to be a good thing. Since I was suffering, he wanted to go ahead and do a bladder instillation as a test of sorts. They cathed me (oh my gosh how it hurt), emptied my bladder, then injected the medicine. By the time this was over I was at a 7 or an 8, had trouble walking out of the office and made hubby drive. The dr also gave me a script for Elmeron and Vesacare. I will have 9 instillation to begin and take these meds daily. He called this evening to see if my pain had eased. It had, making the test positive, and getting me the official diagnoses. I told him that I was still at a 3-4, what felt like uterine cramping, likely due to the breakthrough that is heavier now. He said he would give me a script for estrogen (oh how I hate estrace!) that what hopefully clear that up. I go in again in the morning for another istillation and a muscle test to see what kind of spasms I am having. I'm bracing for it.

So I know have quite the med list. But, I am hoping it will give me pain free days. If it does, then it is worth it. I am so glad to have found this dr. I know that I would be no where near this kind of help anywhere else. It is truly a blessing. I told him I was sad to get another diagnoses. He said he understood, but in the over 500 cases he has treated, most get substantial relief. I will be starting an elimination diet avoiding the foods on the list. Hoping I am able to pinpoint a specific soon. I'm feeling hopeful today, and blessed. Things are good!

getting close

Tomorrow's the day. It can't get here soon enough. I am having some breakthrough...again! Lots of cramping that is trying to ruin my fun time with my boys, but I'm fighting through it. I am anxious, excited, and hopeful.

been awhile

Well, I was a very good blogger at first, but as of late, I have not been keeping up so well. I have written at least a blog a day in my head, but finding the time to sit down and get it in type has been difficult. I have been very busy with the photography biz, last week had a sick baby, this week I've been sick. Time is lacking.

I think that sometimes having the energy to put these thoughts in words is what I really struggle with. It makes it more real, and heaven knows it is sometimes easier to just hold them in. It is even easier to put them here, in a blog, then share them with my IRL loved ones. I hope to be better at that.

On Thursday I was lucky enough to get to meet 2 beautiful children. They were adopted by a friend, Melissa and her family, from Uganda about a year ago. this was my first time meeting them. I got to spend time with them, and even photography them. My oh my they are beautiful. The boy's sweet little ancient and the girl's desire to eat everything in sight because she spent the first 3 years of her life in an orphanage. Oh, how they pulled at my heartstrings, melted me with every smile. I wish you all could meet them too. They are perfect.

I knew what meeting them would do. Anyone who knows me knew what my meeting them would do. I want that. There is a place in my heart for adoption, that desires it so. I have for years and years, every since I learned about the endo. I want to show a child that kind of love, the love of Jesus. I want to be a mother to the motherless. Wow! Putting it down makes my desire so real. I want to show Cooper how to love no matter. I want that.

Today, I spoke with my best friend. She is expecting her first. We discussed labor, breastfeeding, the first weeks, ect. My heart goes there, to having another baby. There are times when I fully cannot imagine not having another. Not feeling another move in my belly, not going through labor, not nursing another. I want that.

How selfish am I? Terribly! I want it all. But maybe I don't, perhaps I just want to adopt, or maybe just try and have another of our own. Really, I don't have a clue. I am sure now though that I don't want just one. I will be completely happy with just one, if that is how it goes, but it isn't my desire. That is clear to me now. I am so glad that I don't have to decide any of this today. I am also so glad that it isn't in my control. I am SO SO glad that I have a sovereign God who has a plan for me.