I'm done.
I am so pissed! And tired, so very tired. My hormones are yet again a wreck! I was having a pretty good day today, I mean I had my moments, but for the most part things were going good. We had a cook out at my brother's house, and I was having a really good time. We swam; I jumped on the trampoline like I hadn't done since I was in gymnastics, a fun time was had by all. Then something happened, and I started feeling incredibly down and depressed, and as if I could burst into tears. Then I went to the restroom to discover I was having breakthrough bleeding AGAIN... after only 1 of the new (actually old, lower dose) pills! I was angry, very ticked off! I wanted to throw my hands up and scream. I feel done, but I can't be done. I don't know what to do. I'm thinking lupron. I am calling my local gyn Monday to see if I can talk to him about my options. I really wasn't wanting to do lupron just yet, but unless I can get something else figured out, I may go ahead with it. I really don't know what to do. I know I want to feel good, and feel happy.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
side effects
Are killing me! I am done with the new bcp. I have been on it for 10 days now and have had at least 4 days were I had to take my migraine meds and crawl into bed. Today was the second one this week, the worst, and the final straw. This is not the "quality of life" my new dr spoke so highly of. I called my local gyn, practically in tears, asking what to do. I know if I simply stop I will be in even a worse situation, with a major hormone drop. So I requested switching back to the lo ovral, what I had been taking and have taken on and off for years, until we can get something else figured out.
I'm not sure what to do, I know my options rather well, but am just not sure what it is I want to do. There is the option to try the ring. Since it is vaginal, the side effects are generally less. There is depo provera, but I am not interested in that due to side effects and the effect it has on fertility after stopping it. There is also depo lupron, but I have already done 11 months of it; the FDA only recommends 6 months, so I don't know that that is the best idea. But I have to admit that part of me wants to go back on it, for a slew of reasons that I am not up for discussing at the moment. Then there is Mirena. This is a toughy for me. My new dr explained it to me and there are parts of it that sound very appealing, but I have my reservations. I don't like the idea of something in the uterus. It scars me a little, well maybe a lot. It just feels like it could be one more mark against me. Also, while I know it is not like the old copper IUD, it still can work like an IUD, and I don't like the thought of that. We worked so hard to have Cooper, and while I am looking for birth control as well as endo control now, if I conceive (meaning egg meeting sperm) I want to get pregnant. I remember feeling slightly sad (repeat slightly, just a little sting, which is why my family had to hear, "I really wanted twins") that I only got pregnant with 1 baby, because I couldn't help but think that there were 3 eggs that ovulated and wondering if they all fertilized, but just didn't implant. This is highly unlikely, but I still wondered about it, and that hurts a little. I am afraid with the Mirena, that I would always wonder how it worked. I would wonder if it worked because I didn't ovulate, or because my CM was too thick, or if it hadn't worked at all, but rather the fertilized egg couldn't implant. Wow, writing this out makes it pretty clear I am not ready to go this route. Not now at least, maybe never. I really don't know what I will do, but I will think about it, research some, talk to my drs, and make a decision.
Oh, and the vesicare, that is nasty stuff. Lets just say I need to up my fiber intake.
I'm not sure what to do, I know my options rather well, but am just not sure what it is I want to do. There is the option to try the ring. Since it is vaginal, the side effects are generally less. There is depo provera, but I am not interested in that due to side effects and the effect it has on fertility after stopping it. There is also depo lupron, but I have already done 11 months of it; the FDA only recommends 6 months, so I don't know that that is the best idea. But I have to admit that part of me wants to go back on it, for a slew of reasons that I am not up for discussing at the moment. Then there is Mirena. This is a toughy for me. My new dr explained it to me and there are parts of it that sound very appealing, but I have my reservations. I don't like the idea of something in the uterus. It scars me a little, well maybe a lot. It just feels like it could be one more mark against me. Also, while I know it is not like the old copper IUD, it still can work like an IUD, and I don't like the thought of that. We worked so hard to have Cooper, and while I am looking for birth control as well as endo control now, if I conceive (meaning egg meeting sperm) I want to get pregnant. I remember feeling slightly sad (repeat slightly, just a little sting, which is why my family had to hear, "I really wanted twins") that I only got pregnant with 1 baby, because I couldn't help but think that there were 3 eggs that ovulated and wondering if they all fertilized, but just didn't implant. This is highly unlikely, but I still wondered about it, and that hurts a little. I am afraid with the Mirena, that I would always wonder how it worked. I would wonder if it worked because I didn't ovulate, or because my CM was too thick, or if it hadn't worked at all, but rather the fertilized egg couldn't implant. Wow, writing this out makes it pretty clear I am not ready to go this route. Not now at least, maybe never. I really don't know what I will do, but I will think about it, research some, talk to my drs, and make a decision.
Oh, and the vesicare, that is nasty stuff. Lets just say I need to up my fiber intake.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
ready
I'm ready to start writing now, putting these crazy feelings into words. Reminder: I have just started a new bcp, the hormones are high, so bare with me. It is likely this is contributing to all these crazy feelings.
So, I have had several dreams about having another child recently, two of which really stick out in my mind. The first, we had been given a baby, adopted. It was so simple; we decided to go for it, then within days, we had a new baby. It was a wonderful dream, so real. As I was waking up, I hoped it might be real, and I would find a baby lying next to me. Of course, there was not; it was only a dream. Then only a few days later, another baby dream. This time we went the fertility route. We were with our old RE, the one we used to get pregnant with Cooper. It was the day of the IUI, and he said, "wouldn't be great if you got pregnant the first time around?" Well, yeah! I woke up happy, thinking of a new baby. These dreams have left me pondering the thought of another baby. There is no doubt now that it is what I want, just not sure how we will go about getting it.
And there is the question of when. Honestly, I don't know when. There are times, when my heart aches for another baby now, then times where I can't imagine being pregnant or having a new born yet. Cooper is still so young, yet growing up fast. I am frustrated that I can't feel content one way or the other, but that is human nature I suppose.
Then there is the jealousy issue. Lots of IFers talk about this. It is something I hate, something I never wanted to feel, something that I don't even understand, but I am feeling it lately. I don't know why. It seems kind of stupid to feel this way. It's not like we are currently TTC, so why do I feel this way? It isn't so much that I am jealous of others, or that they are pregnant, or have a newborn, but more that they can if they so choose. Does that make any sense? It's just not that simple for us. Are we financially ready for another child? Not really. Can we afford to travel to an RE and pay for fertility testing, drugs, and treatment all in the hopes of another right now? No way. Are we in a place where we can peruse adoption? I don't think so. I guess that is where the jealousy stems. On Monday, we went to some dear friend's daughter's 1st birthday. At the end of the party, she opened her present from her mommy and daddy. It was an adorable little onsie that read, "big sister." I am overjoyed for them. They are great parents, and deserve another child. But there was this little piece of me, deep in my soul, screaming, "is it my turn yet? I want that." There was also 2 others there that had 2. One father I went to school with, had his 3 week old in a carrier and a 22 month old running around. The others have a 2 year old and a 10 month old. It just felt like I was the odd ball. Don't get me wrong. I am happy for all of them; it just makes me want the same.
So here is the really crazy thing. I see these couples with there little families, how busy they are, and think "I can't imagine..." Why oh why then, do I feel even a tinsy bit of jealousy? I think it is because I am a multi faceted woman, who isn't sure what I really want. A battle of the sides. I know that I want another child, just not sure how or when. But dont' think for a second that if by some miracle I were to get a "surprise" that I wouldn't be floored, and make the most of it, because I absolutely would.
Maybe these are normal feelings. Maybe it's the hormones talking. Or maybe I'm just plain nuts. No matter, they are my feelings; they matter to me. Please pray that I wouldn't feel even an inkling of jealousy, but only joy. And that my sides would stop arguing and make up their minds!
So, I have had several dreams about having another child recently, two of which really stick out in my mind. The first, we had been given a baby, adopted. It was so simple; we decided to go for it, then within days, we had a new baby. It was a wonderful dream, so real. As I was waking up, I hoped it might be real, and I would find a baby lying next to me. Of course, there was not; it was only a dream. Then only a few days later, another baby dream. This time we went the fertility route. We were with our old RE, the one we used to get pregnant with Cooper. It was the day of the IUI, and he said, "wouldn't be great if you got pregnant the first time around?" Well, yeah! I woke up happy, thinking of a new baby. These dreams have left me pondering the thought of another baby. There is no doubt now that it is what I want, just not sure how we will go about getting it.
And there is the question of when. Honestly, I don't know when. There are times, when my heart aches for another baby now, then times where I can't imagine being pregnant or having a new born yet. Cooper is still so young, yet growing up fast. I am frustrated that I can't feel content one way or the other, but that is human nature I suppose.
Then there is the jealousy issue. Lots of IFers talk about this. It is something I hate, something I never wanted to feel, something that I don't even understand, but I am feeling it lately. I don't know why. It seems kind of stupid to feel this way. It's not like we are currently TTC, so why do I feel this way? It isn't so much that I am jealous of others, or that they are pregnant, or have a newborn, but more that they can if they so choose. Does that make any sense? It's just not that simple for us. Are we financially ready for another child? Not really. Can we afford to travel to an RE and pay for fertility testing, drugs, and treatment all in the hopes of another right now? No way. Are we in a place where we can peruse adoption? I don't think so. I guess that is where the jealousy stems. On Monday, we went to some dear friend's daughter's 1st birthday. At the end of the party, she opened her present from her mommy and daddy. It was an adorable little onsie that read, "big sister." I am overjoyed for them. They are great parents, and deserve another child. But there was this little piece of me, deep in my soul, screaming, "is it my turn yet? I want that." There was also 2 others there that had 2. One father I went to school with, had his 3 week old in a carrier and a 22 month old running around. The others have a 2 year old and a 10 month old. It just felt like I was the odd ball. Don't get me wrong. I am happy for all of them; it just makes me want the same.
So here is the really crazy thing. I see these couples with there little families, how busy they are, and think "I can't imagine..." Why oh why then, do I feel even a tinsy bit of jealousy? I think it is because I am a multi faceted woman, who isn't sure what I really want. A battle of the sides. I know that I want another child, just not sure how or when. But dont' think for a second that if by some miracle I were to get a "surprise" that I wouldn't be floored, and make the most of it, because I absolutely would.
Maybe these are normal feelings. Maybe it's the hormones talking. Or maybe I'm just plain nuts. No matter, they are my feelings; they matter to me. Please pray that I wouldn't feel even an inkling of jealousy, but only joy. And that my sides would stop arguing and make up their minds!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
so much to say...
Just not sure how to put it into words. I have a lot on my mind. It seems to be that my sides are conflicting with each other. That is tough. I don't even have the energy to try and get it all down. I want something, but maybe I don't. Feeling some jealousy, even though I know I shouldn't. I am not even making sense to myself. Anyway, a post is coming, just not tonight. Cooper is hacking. I think it might be reflux from the OJ he sucked down on accident or perhaps he's getting sick. Either way, it's going to be a long night I have a feeling.
Friday, June 19, 2009
not much to report
Sorry for the lag in posting, I hadn't been feeling too well. Hoping that things are all straightened out now, after a 10 day period. I start my new pills on Sunday. I really hope it doesn't make me sick. I can't handle the morning-like sickness that bcp often gives me. I have started my new meds, but haven't seen a difference yet, oh except for side effects. One of them gives me horrible acid reflux and I mean horrible, so I will likely be starting a new med for that. The other which causes constipation. I knew this had been an issue, but didn't realise why until I saw a commercial for the med today. It mentioned constipation 3 times in the ad, guessing it must be a pretty common side effect. Oh the joys of meds.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
hormones
Feeling bad. I'm a hormonal wreck... headaches, upset stomach, and bad cramps. Hopefully, I will be feeling better soon. And hopefully the new bcp will do the trick. This is my 3 cycle in 6 weeks. I can't handle this much more. Ready to get back to my no cycle life style.
Started the IC meds today. Hoping they kick in soon too.
Started the IC meds today. Hoping they kick in soon too.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
2nd appt
Yesterday I had my second visit at the new dr's office. They are really great. Everyone is very kind. I annoyingly had to pay my deductible at the appointment, and I was not expecting that. They did what they call PMR (pelvic muscle retraining). This is a test to see how much in spasm and how tense my pelvic muscles are. Ok, again this is TMI and I can't believe I'm sharing this, but WTHeck! So they measure this by placing 2 probes, neither of which are in the bladder, I'll let you figure it out. SO SO not fun. And the fact that I had to pay for that! EEEEK!!! I still am not over it:) But, this was a good test to have done. It gave important information. The average woman has a muscle pressure (I guess that is what you call it?) of 5 when relaxing. When I was relaxing I ranged from 12-13, in other words very tense. It makes sense. I don't even have a clue I am doing this. I have just gotten in a terrible habit of it, from years of pelvic pain and holding my urine. Honestly, I was shocked when she told me the number. I was trying to think of beaches ect, really relaxing, or so I thought. Basically, some people hold their tension in their necks, I hold mine in my crotch! What can I say:) Anyway, they do a variety of "exercises" if you will. After that, I got my pressure down to a 9. Still high, but an improvement. After that, I had my second bladder instillation. It hurt. I hope I can get used to that soon.
Then the dr came in with a bag full of estrogen. The plan was that I would take it for 4 months along with my regular bcps. Then we got to talking. He pretty much thinks that my body is terribly used to the pill and that my liver now metabolizes it faster, thus the breakthrough bleeding, all the time. We decided that it might be time that I try a new pill, a much stronger pill, with the higher dose of estrogen built in. I'm sure it will make me terribly sick! I am going to go ahead and let myself even out and have a full cycle, then not this Sunday, but the next, start the new pills. So keep me in you thoughts and prayers over the next couple of weeks as it may be rough. We also discussed, that after being on IC meds for a couple of months, perhaps I see what having a cycle each month is like. So, that is a possibility.
I went to the pharmacy today. Meds are outrageously expensive, so I will be having to mail order them. But, I went ahead and got 2 weeks worth so I can start. I will be starting the IC meds tomorrow. I also will call my local gyn and see what he says for a plan for the instillation. Hoping to be seeing some major changes soon!
Then the dr came in with a bag full of estrogen. The plan was that I would take it for 4 months along with my regular bcps. Then we got to talking. He pretty much thinks that my body is terribly used to the pill and that my liver now metabolizes it faster, thus the breakthrough bleeding, all the time. We decided that it might be time that I try a new pill, a much stronger pill, with the higher dose of estrogen built in. I'm sure it will make me terribly sick! I am going to go ahead and let myself even out and have a full cycle, then not this Sunday, but the next, start the new pills. So keep me in you thoughts and prayers over the next couple of weeks as it may be rough. We also discussed, that after being on IC meds for a couple of months, perhaps I see what having a cycle each month is like. So, that is a possibility.
I went to the pharmacy today. Meds are outrageously expensive, so I will be having to mail order them. But, I went ahead and got 2 weeks worth so I can start. I will be starting the IC meds tomorrow. I also will call my local gyn and see what he says for a plan for the instillation. Hoping to be seeing some major changes soon!
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