The appointment

Today was the day. I was, of course, very nervous. Woke up with my usual anxious nausea. We had lunch at Boston's (delicious g free pizza) before the appointment, which was just what I needed. I walked in the office to read a sign that nicely said, "no children aloud." I of course had my little man (and hubby) with me. We came from 3 hours away, so it's not like I could just leave him with a friend. I asked about it, they said we could leave him with an operator (yeah right). The receptionist asked and said that they could come in after the exam.

This office caters to Spanish speaking patients as my dr was the only Spanish speaking ob in the area when he stared. He has since devoted time to providing quality care and understanding for Spanish speaking women. While I think this is wonderful, it did make it a little difficult. It is clear that Spanish is the first language for many of the office staff. The PA who I worked with a lot had a very strong accent which sometimes made it difficult to communicate. The doctor himself was very easy to understand as he has been in Texas all his life and did not have an accient. This was very much a relief.

He said I was textbook IC. He talked about the relationship between IC and endo and even gave me an article the referred to the 2 as the evil twins. He did an exam which was uber painful. He said the exam was abnormal in my inability to tolerate certain things, and typical of IC. He was very kind and knowledgeable, the most knowledgeable on IC of anyone I've ever seen. He explained how he believes it is a form of an allergy and hopes that I can pinpoint my trigger food.

The only thing he said that I didn't agree with was about infertility. He was discussing lupron and suggested that perhaps it isn't the miracle drug so many drs believe it to be (with this I agree). He then said "does endo cause infertility? points to Cooper I think not." With that I don't agree. I said, "well it certainly took some help." He replied that I told him I was anovulatory, which I was due to lupron, but without it would I have gotten pregnant. Who knows? I believe that endo most certainly can cause infertilty. It did for me. Because of endo I was on lupron, because of lupron I was anovulatory. I connect the 2, he does not. Whatever. This really isn't an issue at all. We will just agree to disagree. I still believe some of my cpp is endo, but agree that the IC is a huge contributing factor as well.

I came in with pain around a 6 on the pain scale. I was nervous, knowing I was going to have a pelvic exam, which set me into spasm, causing pain. Some people get a belly ache, I get cramps...go figure. The pain turned out to be a good thing. Since I was suffering, he wanted to go ahead and do a bladder instillation as a test of sorts. They cathed me (oh my gosh how it hurt), emptied my bladder, then injected the medicine. By the time this was over I was at a 7 or an 8, had trouble walking out of the office and made hubby drive. The dr also gave me a script for Elmeron and Vesacare. I will have 9 instillation to begin and take these meds daily. He called this evening to see if my pain had eased. It had, making the test positive, and getting me the official diagnoses. I told him that I was still at a 3-4, what felt like uterine cramping, likely due to the breakthrough that is heavier now. He said he would give me a script for estrogen (oh how I hate estrace!) that what hopefully clear that up. I go in again in the morning for another istillation and a muscle test to see what kind of spasms I am having. I'm bracing for it.

So I know have quite the med list. But, I am hoping it will give me pain free days. If it does, then it is worth it. I am so glad to have found this dr. I know that I would be no where near this kind of help anywhere else. It is truly a blessing. I told him I was sad to get another diagnoses. He said he understood, but in the over 500 cases he has treated, most get substantial relief. I will be starting an elimination diet avoiding the foods on the list. Hoping I am able to pinpoint a specific soon. I'm feeling hopeful today, and blessed. Things are good!

getting close

Tomorrow's the day. It can't get here soon enough. I am having some breakthrough...again! Lots of cramping that is trying to ruin my fun time with my boys, but I'm fighting through it. I am anxious, excited, and hopeful.

been awhile

Well, I was a very good blogger at first, but as of late, I have not been keeping up so well. I have written at least a blog a day in my head, but finding the time to sit down and get it in type has been difficult. I have been very busy with the photography biz, last week had a sick baby, this week I've been sick. Time is lacking.

I think that sometimes having the energy to put these thoughts in words is what I really struggle with. It makes it more real, and heaven knows it is sometimes easier to just hold them in. It is even easier to put them here, in a blog, then share them with my IRL loved ones. I hope to be better at that.

On Thursday I was lucky enough to get to meet 2 beautiful children. They were adopted by a friend, Melissa and her family, from Uganda about a year ago. this was my first time meeting them. I got to spend time with them, and even photography them. My oh my they are beautiful. The boy's sweet little ancient and the girl's desire to eat everything in sight because she spent the first 3 years of her life in an orphanage. Oh, how they pulled at my heartstrings, melted me with every smile. I wish you all could meet them too. They are perfect.

I knew what meeting them would do. Anyone who knows me knew what my meeting them would do. I want that. There is a place in my heart for adoption, that desires it so. I have for years and years, every since I learned about the endo. I want to show a child that kind of love, the love of Jesus. I want to be a mother to the motherless. Wow! Putting it down makes my desire so real. I want to show Cooper how to love no matter. I want that.

Today, I spoke with my best friend. She is expecting her first. We discussed labor, breastfeeding, the first weeks, ect. My heart goes there, to having another baby. There are times when I fully cannot imagine not having another. Not feeling another move in my belly, not going through labor, not nursing another. I want that.

How selfish am I? Terribly! I want it all. But maybe I don't, perhaps I just want to adopt, or maybe just try and have another of our own. Really, I don't have a clue. I am sure now though that I don't want just one. I will be completely happy with just one, if that is how it goes, but it isn't my desire. That is clear to me now. I am so glad that I don't have to decide any of this today. I am also so glad that it isn't in my control. I am SO SO glad that I have a sovereign God who has a plan for me.

I got a plan, I got a plan, I got a plan HeyHeyHeyHey

Gotta love a girl with a plan! Can you tell I'm in a better mood? First, I am back to just one bcp a day, and the bleeding has stopped, which makes a huge difference. Then, I had my much awaited appointment today. The dr walked in the door and started to say "how are you?" He stopped and said that that is general a stupid question when walking in a room of a chronic pelvic pain patient. I told him that I would have said "good." My little guy is doing considerably better, other than this crap, things aren't too bad. Anyway, the appointment was pretty much to persuade me out of having him do a forth lap, but instead going to a specialist to see what he thinks. We chatted, he explained how he would not want to do a surgery that would need to be redone in 3 months by a specialist. He's right, and I respect him for telling me the truth. I think I fear that I will go to a specialist, and then it would be something that he could have done. Sometimes I worry I'm crazy, and all this is in my head. I think most pelvic pain people feel this way at one time or another. It is the nature of the condition. That "unseen" sickness. Anywho, I got an appointment with a dr who specializes in pelvic pain and IC in 2 weeks. That was so exciting. I am glad to not have to wait too long. I was fine with it, but not overly excited. But then, I got home and looked at there website. If you want, check it out. Here is a part of their mission statement...
At Las Colinas OB/GYN, we feel our patients should be made aware that QUALITY OF LIFE is something YOU deserve!
That is the kind of place where I want to be seen. I feel excited and positive, for the first time, in a long time. I'm not expecting a cure, because there isn't one. But I am looking forward to feeling better. I am super pumped and can't wait. Plus, my ob/gyn was given his name through the RE he uses, so I know I have that connection if/when I need it.

Train wreck

That's how I feel... like a train wreck waiting to happen. I'm a mess, a huge mess. My hormones are nuts. Can I just tell you, I hate bcps. I hate the normal dose, and I doubly hate the double dose. I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown. Seriously, if this doesn't stop soon, I will lose it. I can't be a parent, at least not the one I want to be. I miss my baby boy, but don't have the energy to take care of him. I have been getting help with family, and I appreciate it so much, but I want to do it myself. I have a major hormone migraine and will take something for it before bed. I am really struggling. And I hate it. I want to be strong, pulled together, with it, but I'm not, not right now. I don't know what to do or how to feel.

I'm just a wreck

double up

So after 5 days of breakthrough, I decided to call the doc. The nurse told me to double up on my bcp for 3 days. If that doesn't do the trick, then I am to call back. Not sure what the plan is after that. I hate this. I have had to take pain meds most days. This weekend was rough, but I fought through the pain. But I'm tired of fighting. My anniversary is Thursday, and I really want to be better by then. Hubby took off and we were going to go on a real date. We haven't done that in a long time. I really want to feel good. I'm dreading the doubling up tonight. I know it will make me sick. I sometimes get sick when taking just one pill. I am going to go ahead and take my anti-nausea meds with the pills.

I am just tired... So VERY tired.

URG!!!

Well, I would say I am now having a full blown period, cramps and all, 2 weeks into active pills. I let myself have a cycle last pack, after 5 packs without one. I thought it might help straighten me out, but apparently it only made things worse. I didn't start until 5 days after my last active pill, then continued to have it once I started this new pack. It stopped for about a week, and now it is back. I have never had breakthrough before, and this seems like more than just breakthrough. I was in bed all afternoon, but decided to fight through the pain and go to the rodeo tonight. I was glad I did and had fun until the end. My bladder got full, and I got very cold, which made me really start cramping. It turned to curled up, moaning in pain cramping. I now have taken a pain pill and have the heating pad on my back. I am starting to zone out, which is a good thing right now. I am calling the doctor first thing Monday morning, and my appointment is Friday. I'm really hoping to find something out soon.