been awhile

Well, I was a very good blogger at first, but as of late, I have not been keeping up so well. I have written at least a blog a day in my head, but finding the time to sit down and get it in type has been difficult. I have been very busy with the photography biz, last week had a sick baby, this week I've been sick. Time is lacking.

I think that sometimes having the energy to put these thoughts in words is what I really struggle with. It makes it more real, and heaven knows it is sometimes easier to just hold them in. It is even easier to put them here, in a blog, then share them with my IRL loved ones. I hope to be better at that.

On Thursday I was lucky enough to get to meet 2 beautiful children. They were adopted by a friend, Melissa and her family, from Uganda about a year ago. this was my first time meeting them. I got to spend time with them, and even photography them. My oh my they are beautiful. The boy's sweet little ancient and the girl's desire to eat everything in sight because she spent the first 3 years of her life in an orphanage. Oh, how they pulled at my heartstrings, melted me with every smile. I wish you all could meet them too. They are perfect.

I knew what meeting them would do. Anyone who knows me knew what my meeting them would do. I want that. There is a place in my heart for adoption, that desires it so. I have for years and years, every since I learned about the endo. I want to show a child that kind of love, the love of Jesus. I want to be a mother to the motherless. Wow! Putting it down makes my desire so real. I want to show Cooper how to love no matter. I want that.

Today, I spoke with my best friend. She is expecting her first. We discussed labor, breastfeeding, the first weeks, ect. My heart goes there, to having another baby. There are times when I fully cannot imagine not having another. Not feeling another move in my belly, not going through labor, not nursing another. I want that.

How selfish am I? Terribly! I want it all. But maybe I don't, perhaps I just want to adopt, or maybe just try and have another of our own. Really, I don't have a clue. I am sure now though that I don't want just one. I will be completely happy with just one, if that is how it goes, but it isn't my desire. That is clear to me now. I am so glad that I don't have to decide any of this today. I am also so glad that it isn't in my control. I am SO SO glad that I have a sovereign God who has a plan for me.

I got a plan, I got a plan, I got a plan HeyHeyHeyHey

Gotta love a girl with a plan! Can you tell I'm in a better mood? First, I am back to just one bcp a day, and the bleeding has stopped, which makes a huge difference. Then, I had my much awaited appointment today. The dr walked in the door and started to say "how are you?" He stopped and said that that is general a stupid question when walking in a room of a chronic pelvic pain patient. I told him that I would have said "good." My little guy is doing considerably better, other than this crap, things aren't too bad. Anyway, the appointment was pretty much to persuade me out of having him do a forth lap, but instead going to a specialist to see what he thinks. We chatted, he explained how he would not want to do a surgery that would need to be redone in 3 months by a specialist. He's right, and I respect him for telling me the truth. I think I fear that I will go to a specialist, and then it would be something that he could have done. Sometimes I worry I'm crazy, and all this is in my head. I think most pelvic pain people feel this way at one time or another. It is the nature of the condition. That "unseen" sickness. Anywho, I got an appointment with a dr who specializes in pelvic pain and IC in 2 weeks. That was so exciting. I am glad to not have to wait too long. I was fine with it, but not overly excited. But then, I got home and looked at there website. If you want, check it out. Here is a part of their mission statement...
At Las Colinas OB/GYN, we feel our patients should be made aware that QUALITY OF LIFE is something YOU deserve!
That is the kind of place where I want to be seen. I feel excited and positive, for the first time, in a long time. I'm not expecting a cure, because there isn't one. But I am looking forward to feeling better. I am super pumped and can't wait. Plus, my ob/gyn was given his name through the RE he uses, so I know I have that connection if/when I need it.

the question

"Are you guy's going to have any more?"

I can't tell you how much I hate this question. I don't know how to respond to it. Really, I don't, no matter how many times it is asked. I try to think of something witty to say, prepare myself for the inevitable, but it never comes out the way I planned, and it always catches me off guard. There are several reasons why I don't know what to say. Honestly, I don't know the answer. I mean, really, none of us do, but we generally think we do and have a plan. But, right now, I don't. I don't know if I want to do the whole IF crap again, and we only tested the waters before, never had to dive deep into them. There isn't an RE within 3 hours of here, and I won't do anything with a gyn. They don't monitor as closely and I got OHSS with Cooper, so I wouldn't want to take that chance. I don't know if we would be able to get pregnant on our own. My RE seemed to think it was unlikely. If we can't and we decide not to go the IF route, then we won't have anymore. Then there is the issue of carrying a baby. My body has been through a lot; my uterus is weak. I was put on bedrest and meds at 24 weeks with Cooper. What would that mean for next time. My uterosacrels have been cut, more than once. I carried Cooper so low, because they weren't strong enough I believe. I had an xray at 31 weeks and the 2 techs thought he would be born anytime because we was so low in the pelvis. This scares me. What if next time I can't carry to term, despite medical intervention. Having a baby in the NICU 3 hrs away while having a little one at home is an overwhelming thought. So, maybe there is a part of me that is fine with just one. Happy and satisfied and done. I think there is, but the other part of me is bigger. The part that wants for Cooper to have siblings. I am so close to my own, I can't help but want that for my own child. Then there's that part of me that is in pain. The part that says, just get rid of it, be done with this all, have the hysterectomy. It is going to happen sooner than later. I have been told it would be done before 30. Somedays that terrifies me, then days like today, when I'm hurting, it can't seem to come soon enough. It is so final though; that is the scary thing. Today, I was holding my abdomen; I didn't even realize it, but I was; I was hurting. Someone asked me "Molly, are you having more babies?" At first, I thought oh great, this dress makes me look fat. I responded, "Oh no" and she replied, " I thought, oh poor think, she must have babies kicking in there." This took my breath away, knocked the wind right out of me. Babies? Poor thing? I would love to have babies kicking me, it would not be poor thing. It was one of those moments that pulled out the one in me that wants more. For a moment, I wished I could've replied happily, "yes I am." But, I'm happy today with one, not ready for another yet. But, I still think about the future, the what ifs. Don't we all? My best friend is pregnant right now. I couldn't be happier for her. Her road was not the short, fast one either. I took her maternity photos on Saturday. She is glowing, so happy. Her nursery is perfect, and ready for baby girl. Her belly is big and beautiful. That made me want more. I want to take maternity photos, I didn't do it the first time. I want to have a perfect new room. I'd love a little girl, for Cooper to have a little sister. (I'd love a little boy just as much) It is those moments that make me hang in there, fight through the pain, because I don't know where will go in the future. I just don't think I'm ready tho take the option off the table.

So, I smile, I giggle, I say "only God knows." But inside it tears at me a little. It starts a battle between my two sides. See why I hate that question?